A Familiar Face
by BRITNxE
Summary: Inspired by a dear friend of mine who mentioned a painful AU to me. "Where the Catalyst appears as the person Shepard left behind on Virmire." Obviously it won't follow the exact same way the Catalyst appeared to Shepard during dream sequences and on the Citadel & only in little sections. *Catalyst Kaidan is suppose to be a jerk and a complete opposite of the real Kaidan.*


Shepard was hot on Anderson's heels as they traversed the rooftops of London. A Reaper stood just a few miles away from her, it's form towering over them. Shepard felt the hair all over her body stand on end as she looked up at the machine, its menacing red eye looked down on the city below it. Suddenly it's horn blared then it's beam cut through the buildings like as if they were nothing. She suddenly felt someone jerk on her shoulder.

"Come on, Commander!" Anderson shouted and she was once again following him, she hadn't even realized she had stopped in her tracks. "Husks! Take'em out!" Shepard shot a few times at the husks scaling a nearby wall. Then threw a singularity at a few who were pulling themselves to the roof. "I'm out of ammo!" Anderson shouted once again as the husks were killed. "More below, come on!" Anderson leaped onto the balcony of an office building, husks continuing to run at them. Shepard empties her remaining clip into them before slamming them with her biotics. "Shepard!"

The Reaper she had looked at just five minutes ago now had its red eye staring directly at her. _No._ Her voice echoed in her head as it began to prime. Time seemed to slow down as she felt the heat of its beam crash into the building. She felt searing pain on her leg and looked down to see it had been burned. _Another scar thanks to the Reapers._ Anderson pulled her up and into the building, the Reaper now distracted by fighter planes.

"Thanks." Her voice was raspy as the Admiral applied medi-gel to the burn.

"You'll be fine." He nodded, reassurance for himself rather than the Commander. "We should get moving." Shepard nodded. "And find some ammo."

"There's a door over here." She limped over and went to pull it open when suddenly a husk reached out. "Fucking Reapers." She smashed a biotic fist into its face and it fell to the floor motionless. Finally she pulled it open and the Admiral went first to clear the area.

"Shepard." An old and familiar voice was heard behind her. Then she recognized it. The Commander froze in place but her body seemed to move on its own, turning her around.

"No…it can't be…" Her voice was nothing but a whisper. "How…why…"

"There's no time to talk, Commander. I've come to tell you something…" The person circled her.

"What?" Shepard shook her head. "How are you even here?"

"You can't stop them." The person looked out the smashed window.

"Who?"

"The Reapers." They looked back at the burned Commander.

"I can stop them and I still stop them." Her voice became strong and her posture changed. "This isn't you, Kaidan." She scowled.

"Shepard!" Anderson shouted from the next room. She turned to his call but when she looked back at where her long dead friend had been standing he was no longer there. "Shepard!" Anderson called again and she returned to him.

* * *

The Commander finally returned from the Citadel and entered her cabin. Much had changed but she didn't bother to glance around. All she saw was the bed and that's exactly where she ended up. She didn't even give her mind enough time to go over the events of the day; she just closed her eyes and quickly let the darkness consume her.

 _Shepard felt heat radiating on her and as she opened her eyes the light nearly blinded her. She was standing, in full armor, with water up to her ankles. She glanced up at saw the sun and cliffs all around her, but they looked familiar. A ghost of a past memory, like what she had seen earlier that day._

 _"Shepard!" Someone behind her shouted. That voice. She turned and saw a man being surrounded by Geth. "Commander, help me." It was Kaidan, blood was oozing from his stomach and tainting the water around him. He was propped up on a bomb, THE bomb. She was on Virmire. What was she doing on Virmire. These events played out three years ago. She shouldn't be here. But her mind tried to convince her it was real._

 _"Kaidan!" She yelled and started to run toward him, but she felt like she wasn't running at all. She wasn't getting any closer and the Geth continued to surround him. "NO! KAIDAN!" She screamed until her voice was horse. Then it happened. The bomb exploded and heat engulfed her._

* * *

Garrus was the one who nearly pushed her into the bedroom, saying she needed to get rest. And truthfully she felt exhausted. She just killed a Reaper on Tuchanka and cured the genophage, though that last one was all Mordin. Mordin, Shepard felt responsible even though he wanted to sacrifice his life. She understood the reason and wanted the Krogans cured, she just didn't want to let go of her friend. But she let him, saying a final goodbye to a friend she would never see again. She didn't want the Krogans praising her, she wanted them to praise Mordin. Wrex assured her that the Krogan wouldn't forget Mordin and she assured him that she wouldn't let him forget.

Eventually Shepard took a shower and rinsed the blood and mud from her body. It felt nice but just made her muscles feel heavy. Somehow she found herself on her bed, naked and quickly falling asleep. She didn't care, she just wanted to close her eyes and leave this galaxy for a while.

 _The sun blinded her once more and she quickly knew where she was, the last pace she wanted to be after her last nightmare. Virmire. But this time instead of seeing a bomb she saw the battlefield, the one she ran through when she was on her way to save Ashley. But this time it was a man running through the building. It was Kaidan and the Geth were hot on his heels, they disappeared around a corner._

 _"Shepard! Help me!" He called to her as he dodged through the building. She followed the sound of his voice and the noises of the Geth. "Please!" He pleaded. Then a gun shot rang out. She pushed her legs to run faster and this time it opened to the lab where the genetically modified Krogan were located. "Commander…" The voice was gurgled with blood an she spotted him lying on the ground, no Geth or Krogan in site. She slid on the ground as she approached, scooping his shoulders and head into her arms._

 _"I'm here, Kaidan." She frowned. She knew this was fake but…it felt so real. This isn't what happened all those years ago. None of this happened. And yet parts of her mind tried to convince her it was real, all of it._

 _"You…you can't save us." His face paled as he continued to lose blood from a source Shepard couldn't find. "You can't…" He weezed, blood filling his lungs, "…stop them…" Blood poured from his lips with his last words._

* * *

Shepard told no one of her dreams or the moments when she spotted Kaidan during a fight, just standing there watching them. But she knew some of her friends caught on to the moments when she would space out, staring at the figure in the distance. It was happening more often as the war continued. The more they fought and the more she lost Kaidan would appear. But now, on Thessia, he followed her everywhere. Around every corner and every turn he was there, waiting for her and watching her. His ghost seemed to pop up every chance he got. But now, clinging onto the collapsing ground of the temple his form just hovered over the edge, watching her claw her way up like a pathetic cat.

"You can't win, Commander." His voice rang in her ears.

"That isn't the Kaidan I know." She growled as she pushed to catch another hole in the falling concrete.

"I always doubted you." His expression changed when she finally looked up at him. "You left me to die after all." Then his form disappeared as the floor cracked and began to slide down into the emptiness below her, she didn't even notice Kai Leng had passed.

"Shepard!" A blue form slid on the ground and reached out to her. "Hang on!" It was Liara. Shepard quickly grabbed her hand and Liara helped pull her up.

* * *

She shared a final night with her lover, who had tangled themselves in the sheets. It would be there final night before the big fight, before Cerberus and before London. After this nothing would ever be the same. But they helped each other forget about their worries for a while. And Shepard tried not to think of it now. She could hear them snoring lightly and felt their breathing. The mere sound slowly made her drift off to sleep, though she tried to fight it but her body wouldn't allow it. She could feel it. She would have another nightmare.

 _The sun was setting on Virmire and she opened her eyes, a change from what she had previously dreamed up but it still wasn't a good sign. She took it as her minds way of foreshadowing the end of the war, at least that's what she hoped it meant. This time she was in the same area she had first fought Saren, though he nearly won by dangling her over a cliff. She looked around and the room had Geth and Krogan bodies scattered everywhere. She didn't dare call out for who she knew she would eventually see. Then he appeared, like as if the thought of him summoned his presence. But he was running and holding a wound on his side, the same one he sustained in her first nightmare._

 _"Kaidan!" She called but he didn't turn around so she followed._

 _"Commander!" He called and she ran faster, finally catching up and ready to catch her collapsing friend. But she ran right through him. "I'm so glad to see you." He spoke with a smile. She turned and saw who had caught him. Someone identical to her, but in better armor. Armor that had never seen true battle before._

 _"I'll always save you, Lieutenant." Then her clone looked directly at her, staring straight into her eyes with a smile on her face. "I'd never leave a friend behind." That wasn't her. It couldn't be her. There was only one Shepard. There was only one Commander. But what if this twin was actually her. What if that's who she should be. She stared in horror as the whole planet seemed to explode in slow motion. The bomb. If she stayed when the bomb went off she should be dead. The Reapers would win. Her pain and suffering would be over._

* * *

The Commander felt like she was floating and she was no longer in pain. Nothing hurt, not even the burns or bullet hole in her side. Yet when the floating sensation stopped she instinctively rolled and grabbed the wound.

"Wake up." A voice called and her blood turned cold. "Commander, wake up." She looked up and saw the man standing over her.

"How am I dreaming?" She voiced out loud, not actually looking for an answer yet the figure did so.

"You are not dreaming." He shook his head and smirked as she stood up, clutching her side. "I told you that you couldn't stop them, Commander." He turned and looked out that glass windows that surrounded the enormous room.

"I can still stop them." She panted, the pain radiated through her whole body. "Just tell me what's going on, Kaidan." She bared her teeth in pain and anger. "I'm done playing games."

"I'm not playing games, Shepard." He turned back toward her. "This is where the Reapers win and you fail." He put his arms behind his back in a military fashion. "But there is still something you can do." He glanced over his shoulders. "You can control the Reapers." Something on the far left lit up, a blue light shining around two handles. "You can synthesize with the Reapers, combining machines with organics." A hole appeared down the long path they stood on and a green light lit up the hole. "Or you can destroy the Reapers, like you've been promising everyone." Then a battery lit up on the right.

"Go to hell." She spit her words in disgust. Nothing made sense and the man standing before her was not the Marine she once knew. "You're not Kaidan." She scowled. "You're nothing like him. Kaidan was a kind man and a compassionate one. That's not you."

"I'm what Kaidan truly was." He cocked his head. "A man who doubted you from the start."

"No!" She shouted. "He was my closest friend and he died on that planet to save the rest of us." Suddenly the man took a step forward and was inches from Shepard.

"You left me there to die!" He yelled back. Then it clicked. This was the man she had created in her mind. The Kaidan she feared truly existed, born of regret and guilt. She knew who the real Kaidan was and he died a hero on Virmire, not a resentful monster who planted seeds of hate and doubt.

"Kaidan died a hero." Shepard raised her gun and pointed it at the man before her. "And he was not you." Then the figure smirked and Shepard pulled the trigger. But the man vanished and the whole Citadel seemed to shut down, even the lights dimmed on the choices she was given. She looked out of the windows and saw Reapers destroying the forces she had gathered. Then it dawned on her. This is what the figure playing in her mind wanted. The Reapers had won. Commander Shepard had failed.


End file.
